Falling
by lunalongbottom2448
Summary: "Dean, none of this is your fault." "Cas, how can you say that? If it wasn't for me, you'd still be an angel. You'd still have your wings, and you wouldn't have to worry about eating or sleeping or getting sick or any of the other crap humans have to deal with. You'd be right to hate me for all of this."


"Dude, these things are friggin' awesome."

Sam glanced up from his laptop and saw Dean sitting at one end of the table in the bat cave, smiling widely and wearing the Holy Fire glasses. Clearly he'd been digging around in one of their many storage boxes again.

"Dean, there aren't any hellhounds in here. What are you even wearing those for?"

Dean rolled his eyes in response to Sam's question before saying, "No need to get bitchy, Sammy. Just thought I'd try them on again for old time's sake, seeing as we never get to use them anymore."

Sam returned the eye roll. "Old time's sake? Those don't exactly bring back good memories, Dean."

Dean winced, remembering in too-perfect detail the night Sam was referencing. "Ok, fair point. We haven't exactly had the best experience with them, but they did save our asses, and helped you kill that hellhound."

"Yeah, and I'm very grateful to them. Now could you put them away? I'm this close to tracking down that wendigo, and you and your 3D glasses are distracting me."

"Fine, bitch," Dean grumbled as he pushed himself out of his chair.

"Thanks, jerk," Sam replied with a small smile before immediately burying himself back in his work.

Dean headed back down the hallway towards one of their storage closets to find a place to keep the glasses. On the way, he passed by the spare room's closed door. He paused then, thinking about how Cas had shown up only a few hours earlier with dark circles under his eyes, saying that he "felt unusual" before his legs buckled beneath him. He would have crumpled on the floor if Dean hadn't rushed forward and caught him as soon as he noticed Cas looked off.

This wasn't the first time this had happened either. Since Cas had fallen, he'd understandably been a bit of a loose cannon. He was still learning how to recognize and accommodate his new human needs, both physical and emotional. He kept forgetting to sleep and eat. And Dean had begun to lose count of the number of times Cas had snapped at him for seemingly pointless things. There had been several times when Cas had broken down sobbing too, and Dean had had to hold him for hours at a time before he eventually cried himself to sleep. Dean didn't like to think about those times. He hadn't talked with Sam about it yet, but it hurt like hell to see Cas so broken. And what made it worse was that he knew it was his fault. He'd been the one who corrupted Cas and led him to fall in the first place.

With these thoughts in mind, Dean stood outside Cas's door for almost a minute before deciding that he should check on him, make sure that he was still getting some sleep.

Dean careful opened the door, trying not to make any noise. Unfortunately, he had forgotten that the door squeaked, and Cas's eyes shot open to focus on Dean from where he was stretched out on his stomach on the bed. But Dean barely had a chance to notice that Cas had woken up before he cried out in shock and horror.

He could see Cas's wings. Or what used to be his wings. Dean remembered when Cas showed him their shadow on the day he had met him, and they had obviously been large, magnificent, and a true sign of Cas's power. Nothing like the wings he saw on Cas's back now. These were nothing more than bare, thin flesh stretched tightly over weak bones. There were a few feathers left, sticking out at odd angles, but they seemed to be only days from falling out.

Cas immediately sat up and moved to the edge of the bed when Dean shouted. He was clearly confused and startled. "Dean? What's wrong? Has something happened?"

Dean had no idea how to respond. His mind was reeling with regret and fresh guilt. Should he even tell Cas, or just leave now and hope he would forget about this? The latter option definitely sounded easier, but Cas looked so concerned that Dean couldn't bring himself to lie or leave Cas in the dark.

"Cas, these... these glasses..." He pointed nervously at the glasses still perched on his nose. Cas only looked at him for another few seconds before understanding dawned on his face.

"Those have been scorched in Holy Fire, haven't they?" he asked apprehensively. Dean just nodded, trying as hard as he could to avoid looking at Cas's wings. Dean could tell when Cas fully understood the situation because his face turned beet red and his skeletal wings folded as tightly as they could in their weakened state to his back.

"I– I'm sorry, Dean. I had hoped you wouldn't have to see this..." Cas's head dropped so that he was staring fixedly at his knees.

"Wha–? Cas, how can you be apologizing? This is all my fault, look at what I've done to you! I just... God, Cas I'm so sorry!"

Dean was only moments away from breaking down, and that was the last thing he needed right now. He quickly looked down at the floor, finally thinking to remove the glasses and clutch them tightly in his hand.

"Dean," Cas said, his voice surprisingly intense. Dean looked back up only to be met with an equally intense gaze. Their eyes locked, determined blue meeting miserable green. "None of this is your fault."

"Cas, how can you say that? If it wasn't for me, you'd still be an angel. You'd still have your wings, and you wouldn't have to worry about eating or sleeping or getting sick or any of the other crap humans have to deal with. You'd be right to hate me for all of this."

"Dean!" Cas was standing now, fury burning in his deep blue eyes. "Do you know nothing of what I've gone through? Why I fell? I thought you did, but clearly I was mistaken. You're right, your influence led me to fall. But do you honestly think that this would have happened if I didn't want it? I knew this would happen Dean, and I'm grateful to you! You showed me what it is to have free will and think and... feel. How could I give up something that precious? Keeping what you gave me was worth my grace, my wings, everything. And so was keeping you. I'm in your debt, so don't even think about blaming yourself for this. It was my choice."

Throughout his speech, Cas had gotten progressively closer to where Dean was standing near the doorway. By the time he had finished talking, their chests were only a few inches apart. At this point, Dean was breathless from the combination of Cas's confession and their close proximity.

Cas seemed to realize just how close he was standing to Dean, and he backed up a step. His fists had been clenched at his sides while he spoke, and he stretched his fingers a few times as if trying to calm himself down. Dean continued to stare back at him, hopelessly searching for something to say but unable to break the gaze they were still maintaining. He was mildly surprised when Cas spoke up again.

"I'm sorry for these past few months, Dean. I... I'm sorry you've had to deal with me... adjusting to all of this. I was so caught up in managing my own pain and confusion that I didn't even consider how this might be affecting you. Now I realize that was foolish and selfish. I shouldn't have forced you to help me so much, and I never should have burdened you with my–"

Cas got no further before Dean threw the glasses on the floor, reached a hand around the back of his head, and pulled him into a heated kiss. Cas froze, eyes wide for several moments before he reluctantly relaxed, hands still stuck to his sides but his eyes sliding closed. When Dean felt some of Cas's tension abate, he slowly pulled back, opening his own eyes to judge Cas's reaction. Cas understandably looked stunned, and for a few seconds Dean was worried that he had made a terrible mistake. But there was no denying that this wasn't the case when Cas grabbed Dean's face between his hands and pulled him into another, far more confident kiss. Dean returned it enthusiastically, reaching his hands around to Cas's back and resting them gently over the space where he knew the remainder of Cas's wings were hidden. Cas let out a quiet, muffled moan and tilted his head to deepen the kiss.

Eventually, Dean pulled back again. Cas opened his eyes to glare at Dean, clearly not ready to stop, but Dean had something he needed to say. "Cas, if that didn't make it clear, you've never been a burden. We want you here. I want you here. There's nothing you have to apologize for, especially not asking for help. I can only imagine what crap you've had to deal with these last few months. But I wanna keep helping you, ok? You're not on your own in this, I'm gonna be with you every step of the way, and we're gonna get you through this, you understand?"

Nodding and wrapping his arms around Dean's waist, Cas replied, "Yes, I understand, Dean. Thank you." And then Cas began to smile for the first time in months. It made Dean's heart swell to see the happy, content look on his face. They might have stayed like that forever, comfortable in each others arms and enjoying the peaceful looks on each other's faces, but they were soon interrupted by Sam calling, "Anybody up for pizza? I'm starving!" from the main room. Groaning in frustration, Dean turned his head toward the doorway to yell back, "Sounds fine, Sammy!" He turned back around to see a small smirk from Cas.

Rolling his eyes, Dean pulled Cas into a third, more gentle kiss, almost like a promise for later. Cas pulled away this time, dropping his arms from around Dean's waist and stepping back a step. Then, carefully judging Dean's reaction, he grabbed Dean's hand in his own. Dean was slightly surprised, and he let out a quiet chuckle before squeezing Cas's hand lightly and leading him out of the room.

He couldn't wait to see the look on Sam's face.


End file.
